blisters.

my fingers have blisters.
they have blisters from plucking the strings so loudly
and so hard.

the strings of my harp
and the strings of my heart.

i imagine hearts like a harp.
the c strings of my harp are red. 
the c string is the heartbeat. the string you hear the most. and the string that starts it all.
c d e f g a b
we all started with a beating heart.   

the f strings are black.
the f strings are the heartbreaks, the deaths and the hurting.
the string that catches the sounds of sorrow, making it dark and black.

the d string is all the things you feel.
the d string comes right after the c. it comes after the heart beat.
because after we hear a heartbeat we touch it to make sure it's real.
we place our hand on heartbeats because it reminds us how to feel.


the e string is the love. because love ends with an e. the e string catches the sound of love.
the e string catches the kisses
it catches the sound of the first time he said "i love you."
it catches all of the fingers being laced together.

the g string is the regrets.
the things we wish we hadn't said.
and all the things we wished we would have done.

the a string is the happy.
the a string catches the sound of laughs
it catches all the smiles
smiles are happy and smiles are white.
the a strings on my harp are white.

the b string is the everything.
the string that comes last and the string that puts everything together.
it catches the sound of heartbeats
it catches all of the feelings
it catches the sound of the first time he said "i love you"
it catches the heartbreaks

it catches the regrets
And the sound of laughter.

my fingers have blisters from plucking the strings on my harp so loudly and so hard.

hearts are like harps.

they are both full of music.
But if you pluck a string too loudly and too hard it breaks.

just like a heart breaks.

your fingers must be covered in blisters because you have plucked my heart too loudly

and too hard

and it's broken. 

but it helped.

my uncle took his own life at 20 years old.

his brother hasn't stopped drinking since the day his best friend took a gun to his forehead. 

my mom was 17 and she said a part of her died that day.

my grandma lives with her sons death every day of her life.
been on 20 different types on anti depressants.

but anti depressants don't fix a life.

the pills may help for a moment but a few hours after the shallow the pain comes back again.


one life taken messes up many lives that are just trying to live.

i'm not saying it's selfish.

i'm saying it hurts.

a few hours after the swallow the pain comes back again.
but a few hours without pain is better than no hours.

my grandmas pills don't fix all her pain. 
but they help.

smiling at someone in the hallway sure doesn't fix their life.
but it helps.

i woke up with a bloody nose at 3am last night.
my dad got out of bed and hugged me and i can't remember the last time he did.
his hug didn't stop the blood from sliding down my throat.
but it helped.

and i didn't know him.
i never talked to him once.
i just knew he had long blonde hair and he smiled at me in the hall one morning.

and i remember because the night before was a rough one

and his smile helped that moment in my day,

it helped.