the sister I never had.

when i think of death.
i think of her.

black hair with brown circles above her eyes.
she had 4 legs and shook her butt with attitude when she walked.

she was sort of a brat.

but the kind of brat the boys fell in love with.
the kind of brat who's fun to gossip with.

she ate everything.
she at all the gifts left on the front porch
my glove
my black heels
that bag of rolls
and she ate my reese's peanut butter cups from trick or treating.
every single one. and there was more than 30 because those are my favorite.


she was fat.

and i know she liked herself that way.

she got annoyed with my other dog.
she bit his face literally.
they were like brother and sister but she was embarrassed of him.
he was 2, she was 7.
and she was the queen.

she knew how to shake your hand and I would show everyone.
even the fed ex guy.

when i tapped my shoulders she jumped up and i held her paws as she danced on two legs.

she tilted her head when you said her name.
she tilted her head when I told her I hated my mom.
she tilted her head when I told her I kissed my friends ex.
she tilted her head when she wanted more treats.

she fell asleep on my lap everyday
 and we lied together on the pavement like we were sisters.

she was the sister i never had.


and that's what I miss most.

I didn't grow up with a sister. I grew up with a dog.
and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

she died peacefully.
on the backyard grass in her sleep,

the way i hope to die.

and yes she was a dog.
and yes i know you have lost your mom.
and you have lost your dad.
and your brother and your sister
and your best friend.

and my dog doesn't compare to any of your stories.

but she's my only experience with death.

and I'm scared for the experiences to come,

because i lied with her dead body 2 hours after she stopped breathing

hoping

as my tears fell off my cheeks and landed on hers that she would breathe again.

But sadly I learned that doesn't work.

                    

                 

addicted.

let's let the sun illuminate our skin.

let's walk on the beach barefoot and watch the sand fill the cracks of our toes. 

let's let the sun kiss our noses
let's get addicted to the sunlight.

let's drink caffeine because that's the only thing we can drink.

let's get addicted to it.

let's sneak out at midnight and gaze at the specks of silver in the sky.

let's fall in love.

sneak out at midnight and let him wrap his arms around you.
let him hold your cheeks and let yourself close your eyes as he kisses your lips that taste like cherry chap stick. 

let's get addicted to love. 

we take adderall cause we can't focus

we take accutane cause of the zits on our young faces

midol for the cramps

advil for the headaches from the words our mothers scream at us

Zzzquil for the sleepless nights. The nights after heartbreaks from the love we got addicted to.

aloe vera for the sunburns and the sunlight we got addicted to

cherry chap stick for the next boy
the next heart break
because we all know we will get addicted to love again

over 
and 
over
and over 

again.

more aloe Vera because the sun light helps us focus
the sun helps us live.

let's drink more caffeine because that's the only thing we can drink.

let's hang out with all of our fake friends 
let's drive the fast cars our parents bought us.

we can't get addicted to being young

because one day we're going to be old

we're going to have our own kids

and they will have their fake friends

and their own fast cars that we bought them.

their lips will smell like cherry chap stick
the smell of heartbreaks and addictions.

you'll scream at them and they will take advil for the headaches

midol for the cramps

accutane for the zits

adderall to focus

zzzquil for the sleepless nights

and in between the screams you will remember that your lips once tasted and smelled like cherry chap stick

and you will look down at the diet coke can in your hand and see that you're still addicted to caffeine

and that you were once like them

and that you are still 

just like 


them.